My life as a practicing psychotherapist trainee is finally about to begin. We have completed most of the introductory modules to counselling, towed through the coursework, learned some basic tools and techniques, set up a website with our profiles, and finally we are about to put them to the test in the real world.
About time.
But as I reflect back on the perceivable changes I underwent, I don’t know if much of them happened in the classroom. There are times that I found new perspectives to look at individuals in the role-plays and theoretical texts. There is also the conversations you have with others (who are already practicing) that progressively make you more and more confident and comfortable with your own style. But there was rarely, if any, new things from classes that make me go ‘oh I never knew about that before and my life is now better off for that’. It is becoming clearer that aside from actually being in session, nothing else is going to work for me in order to become better or efficient.
I have always looked forward to the mock sessions we had, because it was always in the therapy room, whether as a client or therapist, I feel my limitations. I become sensitive to the things stopping progress, to the bigger picture where the individual is situated in, to the ways I am framing my questions, to what else I should be bringing in into the future sessions. It is also in these moments I can figure out what can I do to get better, such as knowing what to read, what questions to ask, and what kind of further training to attend (amidst all the expensive if not predatory training workshops offered).
As of now, I can only do my best to just read and contemplate on human connection while waiting. It hasn’t been a total waste of time: I actually read like nine books over the past two months, went through recordings of therapy done by experts, and traveled to Penang island alone. These seemingly unrelated events are somehow meaningful to me in a coherent but inexplicable manner. If anything, I become more and more convinced about the Rogerian idea that human beings are inherently striving for good and make the world better for everyone, and that we are all looking for that spark of human warmth that is somehow lost as we become more powerful and wealthy. As I pondered that idea more and more in my interactions with others, I am slowly but surely noticing a certain change in relationship between me and the world.
I have no idea what will happen this point onward though.
Will people want me to be their therapist?
Will I be able to use my approach which I trust to the very end?
Can I improve my grades enough to make a convincing case for doctoral scholarship?
Will I be able to make lasting connections with others?
Will I ever find a research area I can declare my own?
Will there be enough meaningful things to fill up my life (instead of the mundane notifications and touch-and-go groups)?
All these uncertainties I am expected to be okay with as I open the most challenging chapter of my life.
Originally published at http://experimentalanecdotes.wordpress.com on July 30, 2019.
